I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
