I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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