Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
