Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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