i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
