Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
