she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
