take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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