Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
