remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
