Umm I'm too high to move.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
