tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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