Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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