I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
