So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
