that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
