I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
