I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
