Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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