I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
