I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"