I just cut my nipple shaving
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
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Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.