I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house