FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
