what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
