My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
