i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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