I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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