I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
