woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
BRING THE BAGELS
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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