There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
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I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
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I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
the raccoons are back...
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