I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
