blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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