I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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