I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
