Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
