Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
