I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
