Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
