how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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