Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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