Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
