google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
