That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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