I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
