i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
