I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
