im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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