I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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