guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
