Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
