I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
