Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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