when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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