I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
