Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
