I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
