he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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