I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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