Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
