She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
